Still up

Well, I’m up and can’t forsee sleep in the immediate future. I don’t mind too much. I feel… numb. Nothing around me is causing me pain, pleasure, or any feeling at all. I’m just here… coasting. That’s what the drive home was like. 1:30… nobody on the road. I hardly looked at the road in front of me.

I contemplated a few things, but never thought too deeply. I just let thoughts come and go as they wished. I returned the movie… it wasn’t very good. But at least I got to be a part of someone else’s life for an hour or two… even if he was fictional.

I thought about not driving home. Just driving straight to Michigan. Kinda silly of me… I wasn’t even packed. I suppose I could pack tonight and leave in a couple hours. My boss has a replacement now… he could manage without me. He has to in a month anyways, I don’t see what the difference is.

I get nothing out of work. I know about just as much as my boss does about hardwood flooring… I taught him a lot of what he knows. I’ve always been a fast learner. The only questions I ask him are about quality. “Should I rip this board up or can we just fill it?” It’s not that I couldn’t make a decision, it’s just that it’s his money. He pays me hourly, and has a schedule to keep, and if I take too much time making things perfect, he’ll lose money. But there’s also a certain level of quality to uphold. Those are all his choices… I have no part in them. Everything else, he asks me.

All that to say that work offers me no satisfaction. I’ve learned what I can, so it’s time to move on. No sense in sticking around to perfect something. I was never good at perfecting anything. Probably ’cause it takes too long. I feel like I’m not gaining any ground. I just move on to the next subject. After all, there’s so much I don’t know about. If I spend all my time perfecting just a couple things, how will I gain knowledge about all that other stuff? I guess it’s a tradeoff. Jack of all trades, and master of none. That’s me… except for the all trades part.

How do I reconcile this mentality with finding a place in society. How can I provide for myself, and possibly a family, if I can’t stick to one job for more than 6 months. I’d have to find someone that would pay me to do two or three different types of jobs every year. Then what would happen if I ran out? What if there was nothing else to do? Would I have to start doing stuff I hated? Would I retire?

I think the whole thing is very much a tiring proposition, of which I’d rather not partake. Along with getting older. I’m all done growing up, and I think I need to grow back down now. Maybe I could go back to high school and continue to take classes in a descending order. And since I’m such a chameleon, I’d start acting like the kids I hung out with, thus getting less and less mature. Then off to preschool, daycare, and then a nanny. Then maybe I’d feel like growing up again and I could start all over, except this time, I’d know all the answers on the tests. heh.

I’m not sure why I’m still typing. I predict only Rachel, and maybe John will ever read this far. The rest of the people who read this don’t generally have the time, motivation, or attention span to read all the way through somthing this long. Oh, Benson… I bet he’d get all the way down here too. He understands me on a different level than most. nd Rachel normally wouldn’t read this much crap, but she’s my girlfriend, so she kinda has to. Sorry, Rach.

In conclusion, I’m not sure if this is ever gonna end. Especially not with a sentence like that one. Is that some kind of oxymoron?

Oh, we played the Wal Mart game… it’s really the Meijer (major Mijer Meieieiieeejer… whatever) game, but we don’t have those here. That was fun. The girls kicked our butts. I’ve now played and lost twice, but at least this time I wasn’t cheated out of victory. People who bend the rules may be able to acquit themselves by focusing on the letter of the law, but if they win, their opponents will always feel cheated. So if you’re gonna cheat, you might as well go all the way, ’cause you may never be forgiven for it.

It’s a funny thing, forgiveness. Especially when you know they’ll do it again. You don’t forget either. Forgive and forget is a myth. You always remember. Forgiveness is the art of not holding it against them. I know a lot of people that suck at that. And most of them are female. Sure, a guy will get up in your face right away, but a woman will store it away and just wait for a great opportunity to bring it up to their advantage. I don’t know why that is… Girls are built a lot differently than boys… different so they’re good at the Mejierejroeuiir game, but suck at hockey. That’s the way it is though. Forgive and forget… heh heh, that still cracks me up. Not literally. Remember, I lack emotion right now.

I’ll bet a lot of this might sound mean, bigotted, whatever, but it’s not in a mean spirit that I’m saying it. I’m just typing. I could have stopped a long time ago… the “in conclusion” thing was a great opportunity. But I didn’t. I just kept right on going. I don’t even look up at the screen to check for typos. Just type away. I even coded without looking… that takes some guts.

Also, I want a binary watch, but they’re really expensive. Like 80 bucks was the cheapest I could find. Go figure. And I didn’t see any that had a 24 hour format on ’em. That’s what I would really love.

Who, who, who? Who will read this post? I’m beginning to wonder if even the devoted John will have made it this far. Perhaps something about my tone and numbness will make Benson concerned for my well being… in which case he’d read a novel of my babbling, as soon as he found the time. Rachel as well will notice that I am not talking normally, and will continue to read, hoping to understand what’s going on with me. For you two… I think I’m ok.

Did you know they credited that quote about keeping your mouth shut to Abraham Lincoln? I’m not sure if he’s the one who said it or not. I suppose I could do some research, but I doubt I will. I’ll just wonder. The quote says “It’s better to keep your mouth closed and let the world think you’re a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt.” It’s a good quote, but I always thought it was around before Lincoln.

*Sigh* I guess I’d better lay in bed now. I’ll get more rest that way. Even if I’m not sleeping, at least my body will rest. That’s all I need at work. It’s a mindless job until I have to explain something to my boss. But I don’t have to explain anything really… I could let him do it his way so it takes longer, or is less efficient, or produces inferior quality workmanship. For the most part he does things well… just not always as well as they could be done. If I can just let stuff go, I could leave my brain at home and let it get some rest. It’s always so random at work… trying to fill itself with anything to keep itself busy. I need a thinking job or something.

Goodnight, Rachel. Goodnight, John. Goodnight, Benson. Thanks for reading all the way through. I don’t know that it will make a difference in my life, but it’ll change yours a little… even if it just means you’ll get less done today. I’ll talk to you all later. I suppose you could always tell someone if they should read a certain part, ’cause I’ll be suprised if they read this monstrosity of literary nonsense. So, again, goodnight, my faithful three, and thanks for caring.

11 Responses to “Still up”

  1. TJ Says:

    so i made it through to the end steve but i was being paid to read it so um yah. just hold on a bit longer in no time you wll be in michigan with us all. i dont really hve any ideal what you are going through but hang in there.

    TJ

  2. ben Says:

    ***note to steve i read the whole thing and yes it was very long but im bored.
    to keep it real i think you should have come to our wonderful state rach would like it, shes kinda gettin hard to handle its your turn

  3. thisonemoment Says:

    “Forgive and forget is a myth. You always remember. Forgiveness is the art of not holding it against them.” Amen. Late nights foster profundity, don’t they?

  4. John Ambrose (jma89) Says:

    Two things:
    1) Meijer game? What’s that?
    2) Null emotions? I know that feeling
    3) Ok, I lied, four things
    4) Binary watch… that would be sweet.

    Oh, and I read all of it. Before my snack. I’m hungry…

  5. Benson Says:

    WOW, that was an intense read.
    It makes me greatly look forward to your rants at camp.
    I always look forward to reading everything you write, as you said, we seem to understand each other… though whether that is good or terrifying has yet to be established.

  6. rae Says:

    Maybe I didn’t make it all the way through….ok fine, I did.
    And to ben: Hey now! Hard to handle? What is that? Maybe it’s true, but you volunteered!

    Love you babe. and you ben.

  7. Lisa Says:

    I read the whole thing too.. I always read your stuff…

  8. Angey Says:

    oh ye of so little faith 🙂 You’re posts always amuse me so I always read the whole thing.

  9. Josh Says:

    I read it too. And I felt the same way about every job I have ever gotten. That is how I knew I was supposed to be in full time ministry. Maybe you are getting the same message. I hope so. See you tomorrow I hope.

  10. Mr. Green Says:

    The quote says “It’s better to keep your mouth closed and let the world think you’re a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt.” It’s a good quote, but I always thought it was around before Lincoln.

    I believe it’s from the Bible…I’ll check….
    I found Proverbs 17:28 which reads:

    Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

    That didn’t seem like it, so I searched and found it attributed to Mark Twain and others, including Lincoln. Someone asked the question on yahoo and they concluded that it’s just a general maxim and may have originated from this verse.
    So there ya go, I’m stumped. Why don’t you add to the madness and attribute it to a different person each time you use it?

  11. Stevish Says:

    Good thinkin, Green! I’ll definitely do that 🙂

Leave a Reply