Bummer of a Blessing

WARNING: The following post contains descriptions of things that have taken place inside of the mind of Steve. Images described here may confuse, alarm, offend, or even scare you. Reader discretion is advised

Alright, so I tried to be funny with the warning, but the rest of this post is about an emotional struggle I’m experiencing. You have been warned.

As a previous post said, I am leaving school and going home. This has brought up several emotions in me that all seem to come and go as they please. Among them are happy excitement and depression, two emotions that do not share space. After ensemble practice today, it’s been mostly depression. I’m depressed because I know how great my time with the ensemble would have been if I could have stayed. But on the flip side, I’ve been getting depressed by a lot of little things (you know, like a forgotten birthday, friends having fun off campus while I’m stuck here, being completely ignored by those I once thought loved me, etc…), which are all tied to my time here at school. So I’m depressed if I stay, and depressed if I leave. It’s a lose-lose situation right now.

A former student even said he wished he was here so he could hang out with me, but I could only think of what would REALLY happen. He’d be gone just like all the other guys that he used to hang out with are gone tonight, leaving me, once again, alone in my room.

Life will go on, I will go home, things will start getting better. School life here will continue when I’m gone, virtually unchanged (despite the claims that everyone makes to my face).

I’m reminded of a song by Metallica that says something to the effect of “Every time that I belong, then it’s time I disappear.” I changed it slightly so it still fits the tune but more accurately portrays my situation: “When I finally belong, then I start to disappear.” I finally found a place I was loved by my, and then I started to dissapear. All it took was a series of bad mistakes that happened all at once surrounding the only girl I ever loved. That’s when everything started crashing down on me, I fell off the face of the social map, and life began to suck. Camp is my break from that. 7 weeks out of my year, I’m at camp Ao-Wa-Kiya, and at least 3 of those weeks don’t suck, making it the most precious time of the year for me.

For now, I’m just trying to look forward to getting home, rebuilding a friend base there, trying NOT to fit in (I’m kind of an immature, spontaneus, and overall wierd kid), and seeing what happens from there. I have no plans, no directions and no commitments, which is where I love to be. So really, I do have a lot of great times to look forward to.

One Response to “Bummer of a Blessing”

  1. Queen Green Says:

    Hey Stephen – We’re looking forward to you coming down tomorrow…It’s about time we get to hear you sing with the Ensemble!

    Well even if you think right now is a low point, you can take comfort in the fact that you have influenced a lot of lives for the better. Kids at camp, people you’ve made smile with your unique sense of humor, hardened hearts that grew softer after hearing you sing Christmas Carols in Italy and a 14 year old girl who seems to think you have a lot to offer the world.

    You’ll bounce back like a rubber ball…just don’t hit the ceiling on your way up (that hurts).

    ~Queen Green

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