Why not now?

This is filed under “Rachel” and as such, many of you may not find it entertaining or appetizing. If you fall into that category… deal with it.

I’m sitting in front of my computer, 30 minutes after she left a message on my cell phone that she was going to bed and if I was going to call her (like I said I was), I needed to do it within 10 minutes. I didn’t get the message in time. “Just call my cell phone and I’ll call you right back,” I said. Well I failed. I wanted nothing more than to talk to the love of my life before she went to bed. Nothing more than to tuck her in over the phone. Nothing more than to talk her to sleep. I failed.

So now I’m just staring at a picture… a freeze frame of one of our fun times together. And I’m wishing we were together right now. Wanting nothing more than to wrap my arms around her, hold her tightly, and never let go. I’d kiss her forehead and tell her everything is ok. I’d wipe away her tears and kiss her eyes as she fell peacefully to sleep. Then I’d hold her hand until I knew she was dreaming. Then I’d stop. And watch. Watch her face react to her dream. Just watch her sleep… so peaceful… so care-free. Not a worry in the world could touch her then. One last kiss on the forehead as I retire to the room next door. Sleep well, my Angel.

Why can’t that time be now? Why do I have to wait so long? Why can’t I be where she is? To hold her… to love her… to protect her.

My mind lacks the ability to put into words the intensity of my feelings. I cannot express the sorrow I feel knowing that I can’t be there to help her through each trial she faces. Yet at the end of the day, I find myself trying to describe it to myself.

“What’s going on with Rachel… why do you feel this way,” I ask myself. And the answer is always a strong and definite “I have no stinkin clue.”

Rachel, I know you’ll read this. Ask of me anything, and I will do anything in my power to make it so. But please, I beg of you, never ask me to live without you. For I don’t know how I could.

Goodnight, Beautiful. I love you.

2 Responses to “Why not now?”

  1. rachel Says:

    You have to be one of the most insane people in the world to feel all that even when you know of all that I am not. I don’t deserve you, but like anyone who gets a gift that they weren’t expecting, I’m so very thankful, and more than excited. Your ability to love is huge, I know, cuz I see me when I’m less than loveable. You are amazing. Thank you. I love you so much -rae

  2. Lisa Says:

    Yep, I have now officially lost my appetite… which is pretty hard to do!!

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