While writing my last post, I was very angry. I didn’t have a reason to be, but I was. But since I was mad, a few things are true:

• I was in a mood to pick a fight.
• I used harsher language to describe things than I usually would
• I didn’t care what anyone thought of me

But there’s more…

• Deep down inside, that is how I feel.
• Any friend who will run at the first sign of trouble is not a friend at all
• And I don’t have time for friends like that

I didn’t write that post to invoke pity, and I didn’t write it to prove anything. I wrote it as a warning to people who think that being friends with me will be a bed of roses. I am very serious about friendships, and I don’t want to pour my heart into a relationship that’s gonna crumble when I go through one of those phases.

Flesh vs. The New Creation… Yeah, yeah, you think I haven’t thought about that? Sure, believers still sin, but do they really go back to being who they were without Christ? Did you ever read about Paul slipping up every now and then and going around killing Christians, just like old times? So what does that say about me? The most abominable things I’ve done in my entire life have been since I’ve been saved. So where’s this “Victory over sin” stuff I keep hearing about? It would appear as though I’m still in slavery here.

The internship… Maybe someone should inform Bill about this. I’m not so sure he’s gonna want me helping kids in their spiritual walk if I can’t even make heads or tails of my own. I’m not saying I don’t want the internship, but how am I supposed to have a ministry when I have to blow up every now and then. What happens when I blow up in front of campers? Jr. Counselors? In front of Bill?

I don’t know. I’m trying to come up with something, but nothing’s there. I try to surrender my life to Christ, only to pick it back up again and walk off with it. Selfishness. Pride. Who knows? I know it’s not right, I know that there’s a better life for me than this… this hate. But I can’t stick to it. I keep on crawling back to who I was. It’s easier to be the old me than the new one, and right about now, laziness seems to define my life.

So go ahead, tell me it’s not the real me. Tell me it’s just my flesh, and that I’m better than all this. I want to believe it, but I can’t prove you right. Trust me, I want nothing more than to be a man of God, and follow His leading every waking moment of my life. Yet somehow, I just don’t try. Apathy takes over, I sit on my butt, and I get depressed, angry, and everything else. Any help that anyone cares to give is more than welcome, but don’t get your hopes up.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 8th, 2006 at 3:07 pm and is filed under Babblings. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.