How to Scape

This is a tutorial; a ‘how-to’ if you will (or even if you won’t, it’s still a how-to). The subject is something I have just been learing about: Landscaping.

First you’ll need tools. Start with a regular shovel, a hand-shovel, a snow shovel, a broom, a tarp, a rake, and a leatherman (one with pruning shears, a knife, a saw, a shovel, some kind of pokey thing, scissors and a rake. Yes, I said a rake).

The following are directions for planting small trees in an existing rock bed:

  1. Move rocks so that you have a hole all the way down to the plastic that’s approximately 20 inches in diameter
  2. Pick up all the stray rocks that have rolled into your hole
  3. Pick up the rocks that rolled into the hole while you were picking those up
  4. Pick up the new rocks that rolled into the hole
  5. Pick up a couple more rocks (that rolled into the hole)
  6. Step out of the hole
  7. Pick up the rocks that fell in the hole as a result of you stepping out
  8. Cut the plastic away from the hole so you can dig deeper
  9. Pick up the rocks that fell into the hole
  10. Spread the tarp out nearby to put the dirt on to so you can transport it to another location
  11. Begin digging, using the following steps:
    1. Get a shovel ful of dirt
    2. Put the dirt on the tarp
    3. Remove the rocks that fel in the hole
    4. Repeat steps 1-3 (taking breaks to haul the dirt away before it gets too heavy) until the hole is a few inches deeper than the pot the tree is in
  12. Dump in ‘good dirt’ (apparently normal dirt isn’t good enough), until the hole is about 4 inches shallower than the pot the tree is in
  13. Grab a few of the rocks that fell in
  14. Remove the tree (and the dirt connected to it) from the pot
  15. “Tickle the roots” (Don’t ask)
  16. Place the tree in the hole, making sure that the ‘good’ side is facing the right direction
  17. Ignore the rocks that fell in, reasoning that they’re going to get buried anyways
  18. Begin filling the rest of the hole with good dirt
  19. Realize that once some good dirt is spilled on the rocks, there is no cleaning it up
  20. Try being more careful
  21. Fail
  22. Finish building up the good dirt so that there’s a 4 inch tall hump of dirt built up to the trunk of the tree
  23. Push the rocks back in a little, so the hump of new dirt looks like it’s supposed to be there
  24. Remove the rocks that went too far
  25. Repeat the whole process 5 more times
  26. Take a short shower and head to the hot tub to relax

After step 26 there, you start to not hate landscaping as much… breifly. You know, used to wish I could have a yard that looks like the one I’m working on, but today… I got over it.

3 Responses to “How to Scape”

  1. jma89 (John Ambrose) Says:

    “15. “Tickle the roots” (Don’t ask)”

    Oh, I’m asking.

  2. Stevish Says:

    Well I’m not answering 😛

  3. jma89 (John Ambrose) Says:

    … fine. Be that way. 😎

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