(Infrequently Asked Questions)

Please note that the entries are organized so that the most recent is at the top. For maximum reading pleasure (sounds professional, eh?), read from the bottom up.

Questions in this color are completely bogus...
but questions in this color are answered truthfully.

[00:32 29SEP04] What were the effects of Stephen's death in Acts chapter 7?
It spread the early church throughout the regions of Judea and Samaria, and thus brought them to the second of three places where Jesus commanded them to witness in His final words in Acts 1:8. It also caused the believers to have boldness in their witnessing. This was not an unusual effect, as persecution has always brought about the furtherance of the gospel. Stephen was the first martyr and through his death, God pumped up the rest of the believers and they went out and had an amazing impact on the world they entered.

[17:21 08SEP03] Why is the sky?
Why is the SKY?!? What, are you some kind of idiot, or something? That's not even a question! Lemme guess, you were dropped as a child... repeatedly... on the head... out of a moving vehicle... going over a bridge... into a river of radiactive goo. Listen, next time you think about sending a question in, just stop thinking... it's not exactly your Forte.

[09:35 12AUG03] Why is the Morrie-Craft so cool?
Excelent question. The coolness of the Morrie-Craft (which is a boat, for those of you who don't know) is based on several different factors.

First, there's the ghetto-held-together-by-duct-tape-and-could-fall-apart-at-any-time factor. Some of the things supporting this factor are that the speedometer and tachometer are broken, the horn doesn't work and if you turn on the lights, the boat will start on fire.

Then there's the I'm-slowly-sinking-to-the-bottom-of-the-lake-and-have-to-take-action-every-couple-hours-in-order-to-stay-afloat factor. That means that the boat takes on water like a sponge, and every couple hours, you have to drive it around the lake for about 15 minutes with the nose in the air and the plug out to get rid of most of that water.

But the biggest factor in the coolness of the Morrie-Craft is that everyone underestimates her. People told me that she couldn't pull tubers, but I pulled two at a time, and if you don't think the rides were wild, ask to see Jodie's bruises.

[11:14 08OCT02] Is boys being stupid a genetic defect, or is it a learned trait? (From Karen)
Well, amazingly, it's neither. The source of our inherent stupidity is based in the Bible and deduced mathematically.

You see, stupidity can be defined as doing the wrong thing at the wrong time which, in it's simplest form, can refer to sin. So if we conclude from that, that a boy's stupidity is synonymous with a boy's sin, then we can really get to work.

Now... Women require time and money, so therefore W=TM where W is Women, T is Time, and M is Money. Now if time is money, then W=MM=M2 . The Bible says that money is the root of all evil, or M=. Therefore W=()2, or W=Evil

So that is the answer to the question. The stupidity of boys comes from evil, being women.

[12:33 04SEP02] Why do those long neon lights tend to flicker?
First you must understand how a neon light works. There's a bunch of little neon atoms in the light and then at both ends of the light there are huge, intimidating uranium atoms. These atoms are equipped with atom guns and, when you turn on the light, the Uranium atoms all aim their guns into the crowd and command the neon atoms to light up or be shot.

Well, periodically, one of these little neon atoms will get out of hand and will be shot. After enough of them die, there's extra room in the neon bulb and when the uranium atoms point the guns at the neon, the smaller atoms all freak out and run around while lit up. This causes the light to flicker.

[00:24 19AUG02] Why are some of your IFAQ's true while others are completely bogus, and how do I tell the difference?
Funny you should mention that because I was thinking the same thing (Amazing how that works when I'm the one coming up with the questions). Actually, every once in a while, I feel like putting up interesting facts, while the rest of the time I'm in a goofy mood and feel like making something up. So, as much as I'd like to leave it up to YOU to figure out what's true, I've decided to take on a new format. All the questions in blue were answered with pure fact, while the questions in green were answered with the logical side of my brain lying dormant.

[12:13 07AUG02] Does spray paint on select items under your hood really add horsepower?
Of course! Everybody knows that the cooler your engine looks, the better it runs. For example, spray painting all of your caps (oil cap, power steering fluid, etc...) adds between 7 and 10 horses! Decals can accomplish the same thing.

[00:22 24JUL02] Why don't they have laws concerning ice cream cones?
They do! In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your pocket. In Lowes crossroads, Delaware, It is a violation of the local law for any pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to board a plane. In Alabama, you may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time. In Rosemead, California, it's against the law to eat an ice cream in public with a fork. In Cotton Valley, Louisiana, citizens aren't allowed to eat an ice cream cone while on horseback in public places. And even worse then all these, in Lexington, Tennessee No one may eat ice cream on the sidewalk! As you can see, there are plenty of laws against ice cream. It was actually a law banning ice cream sodas that forced the birth of the ever popular "Ice cream Sundae"

[00:38 23JUL02] Why are dartboards numbered the way they are?
Actually, I stayed up for 5 hours trying to find out. There really is no mathematical pattern in the positioning of the numbers. Most scholars think that they are numbered like that to maximize the penalty for barely missing a high number. But this is not true as there are other ways to accomplish that feat, and do it better. In fact, there are somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 million ways to get the same effect as the current outlay of the dartboard. Truthfully, nobody really knows why this is the most popular configuration. But at this point of the dartboard's existence, no other configuration would be accepted. It's kinda like the qwerty keyboard setup. Why is it like that? It just is.

[17:44 21JUL02]How do you install a thermostat on a 1985 Honda Prelude?
Well, It's not a very long process, but there are a number of steps you'll need to take.

1. The first thing I like to do is open my hood.

2. Follow the hose from the radiator directly into the thing with the pistons in it.

3. Firmly grasp hold of the metal part right there and scream as your flesh burns and melts to the car.

4. The next step is to turn off the car and wait for it to cool down. (I suggest going inside, drinking a CapriSun, watching a movie, working on a website, playing pingpong for a half hour, and taking a nap).

5. Return to your car, and realize that it is still hot enough to roast peanuts on.

6. Sprinkle water on the engine to "help speed the cooling process" (I suggest the "water fairy" sprinkling technique, for further instruction please watch Tinkerbell in Peter Pan)

7. Once your car is cool enough to touch (be sure to test it with a finger that still has feeling), you are ready to take off the housing that is still adorned with your charred flesh. You now need to go into the garage and get a small 10mm ratchet.

8. Walk back out to your car and try the ratchet to realize it doesn't reach. Return to the garage to get an extension for the ratchet.

9. Once you're back at your car, remove the bolt at the top of the housing (The one that is producing that awful smell of burning skin).

10. Search for and locate the bolt on the bottom of the housing. This one gets tricky as there are about 42 (Yes, Hannah, I said 42) hoses that make it nearly impossible to get your ratchet connected to the bolt. To get it to work, you need to get a friend to push hoses around until you can get the ratchet in there.

11. Now that both bolts are out (don't lose the bolts), you can remove the housing and the old thermostat.

12. Put the new gasket (you bought one, right?) on the new thermostat (I really hope you bought one of these).

13. Note the jiggly thing on the thermostat. This needs to be facing up when you put it in. Go ahead and do that now.

14. After you have dropped and retreived the thermostat 21 times (half the amount of hoses in your way), you should be able to get it to stay in the hole.

15. Put the housing back on and screw in the top bolt.

16. Now remember that bottom bolt? It's time to line up the housing, push the hoses out of the way and blindly screw it back in with your greasy, burnt, numb fingers... all at the same time.

17. Now it's time to close the hood. I cannot express enough the importance of this step, so just take my word for it. Even Nascar professionals use this step.

18. Now open the hood back up, remove the ratchet set and repeat step 17.

Congratulations, you have just installed (Or read how to install) a new thermostat. What have we learned?.. that for under 10 dollars and 4 hours out of your life, you can do one of the simplest repairs on your car possible.

[01:44 18JUL02] Is my fingernail more dense than that of a chimpanzee?
I'm glad you asked. You see the human fingernail is not actually alive. It is comprised mainly of tough, dead, fingernail cells. These cells are actually the primary source of food for the rare Fingernail Bed Mite. These bed mites are only found in well populated areas in the Sahara desert, and grow to a length of approximately 7 millimeters and weigh around 3 hundredths of an ounce. The bite of one of these vicious insects contains enough venom to kill a small mosquito. This, combined with it's two massive fangs make the Fingernail bed mite one of the most dangerous bed mites in the world. The FBM, as I call it for short, is second only to the african jumping bed mite that has been known to take down full grown horse flies. I hope that answers your question. :-)

[01:36 18JUL02] How 'bout the forty-second root of 42?

[01:33 18JUL02] What is the square root of 42?

[01:32 18JUL02] If Richard Nixon asked you for a dollar, would you give him one?
Well, as good as this question is, I really have to answer it with another question. Is your fingernail more dense than that of a chimpanzee?

[01:30 18JUL02] Is it true that a duck's quack does not echo?
No. In reality, a ducks quack really does echo. All the rumors stating otherwise are just that... rumors.

[01:30 18JUL02] Why are the backs of refridgerators hot? Don't they make things cold?
This is an excellent question. You see, during the great "100 below" incident in the late fall of 1392, the great german scientist Schmeil Krafflemoster discovered that heated particles cause shame among other particles who discover that they are no longer hot enough to be recognized as warm. This puts the cooler particles into a state of depression, during which they lose all their heat and become cold. So this is why in nearly every device that makes things cold, there is at least one part that is always hot.